Hi, I'm crazy, and I usually like it.

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 04:40:16 GMT

I created this journal about a week or two ago, to annonymously ask a question about finding an ADHD doctor in the austincommunity journal. I didn't want to have to explain my problems to all the people I know on here. For people who don't understand adhd, it's kind of embarassing explaining to them all of the things I don't do 'correctly'. No offense, but they just don't get it. I can't explain my brain to them. If only they could spend a day or two inside my head they might understand. I get soo frustrated with myself all the time. I went to a doctor about 2 years ago who told me I had add. It made sense, but I didn't want to have to deal with it. I'm really good at hiding my problems. In fact, I downgraded my problems to the doctor because I was so embarrased by my shortcomings. To me, it seems like the rest of the world would see me as a failure, so I've had to become good at convincing them I'm not. My friends and family don't have any idea the severity of my problems, and I'm not about to tell them anytime soon. It's much easier to keep it to myself and hide it, so I wont disapoint anyone. I'm really good at living in my fantasy world, and everyone believes it. I'm not sure I'll ever want to explain it all to those close to me. I fear they will just look down on me. I went to the Austin ADHD meetup group tonight, and it was a relief to be able to at least admit a few of my problems to someone. Only someone with the same kind of brain and problems could truly understand. I don't feel judged or looked down on. It's hard always keeping everything from everyone. I'm tired of having so many secrets that I can't tell anyone. It's really been getting to me lately, and I think I'm finally motivated and frustrated enough to try to get some help. I think if I could just get a little help getting started on a few things in my life, it might start turning around. Maybe.
I was always a crazy, energetic, distracted, doing a zillion things at once kinda kid. I never had any problems in school when I was younger. All thoughout elementary, middle, and high school, I'd be busy doing my own thing at my desk, drawing, playing cards, making crafts, doing work for another class. I guess I must have been paying attention while doing these other activities, because i always had great grades. I guess as long as I was doing more than one thing at once, and had a schedule I had no choice but follow, I was ok. Once college came around though, the story was muuuch different. I was free of having anyone tell me I had to do anything. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to. I constantly zoned out in class, if I could get myself to go to class. I'd get in the habit of convincing myself that I could skip just this one class and go next time. The problem is, there was no next time. I even started skipping tests, because I knew there was no way I could pass it anyways. I just convinced myself that I could just get an A on all of the rest of the tests and still pass. At the point where that was no longer mathmatically possible, I'd stop trying to convince myself. I would make up long complicated stories to try to convince the professors to either let me make up the missed work another way, or to drop their course. I did miraculously pass a few courses, but never enough. I was always on academic probation, until they would finally tell me I couldn't come back next semester. At that point, I would email the dean and have another elaborate story or excuse to tell him, and he would let me back in for another semester. I did this for almost 6 years. Before each semester, I would convince myself that this time I would finally be successful. It never happened, and I wasted a lot of time and money. My email excuses finally stopped working on the dean, and he told me he couldn't in good conscience let me continue. I of course told the rest of the world that I had finally graduated. I didn't want to disapoint anyone or be looked down on. I'd much rather lie to everyone than to let them down. I'm the kind of person who always has to make people happy and help them, but I can't ever admit that I might need help. I don't want to be 'weak', I want to be able to do it all myself. It doesn't work. I'm not superwoman. So I ignore the unpleasant and focus my energy on things that are. Like shopping. Evil, evil shopping. I don't need things, I just feel compelled to buy them anyways. I have so much stuff I've bought and never used, or had any interest in using to begin with. When I started to realize how expensive this habit was, I would still buy things but tell myself that I would just return it next week. Of course, I never actually ended up returning anything, and am in major debt. I maxed out 3 credit cards, and have student loans to pay off. How will I ever get back to being debt free? I don't know. I've been thinking about trying to go back to school and get a pharmacy degree. Then I could earn a lot of money, and be able to pay off all of this stuff and be happy. How will I ever get myself back into school with such horrible grades behind me? If I do get back into school, how will I make it different this time, and not fail? How will I afford to pay for school when I'm already in debt? I don't have any idea. I need help!
These are just 2 of my problems. There are also a lot more little problems. I'm a perfectionist, and love to have things perfectly organized, I just can't ever get them organized. I am a chronic procrastinator. I think that started in highschool. I would put things off, and then get a huge rush when I'd finish 5 minutes before they were due. Now I put things off for so long, it's either not possible to get done before needed, or I forget to do it. I am always late for everything. I set my watch faster and faster to try to trick myself, but I end up remembering that I set it fast and ignoring it. I give myself plenty of time to get ready in the morning. It doesn't matter how early I get up, I always end up getting distracted with something and losing track of time. I'm always exactly 5 minutes late for work every day. I get distracted a lot. For example: I'll start cooking dinner when I'll go to my room to grab the potholder I left there. Just real quick, I'll check my email. My dog will walk in so I'll chase him with a toy, and end up in the bathroom. I'll realize I forgot to change the toilet paper roll, so I go to my closet to grab another pack. Then I'll smell something burning and remember that I was cooking dinner, and run back into the kitchen. Every day is a similar story with something different. I also have a habit of getting so engrossed in something that I completely lose track of time. I'll sit down to knit for 30 minutes, and I'll look up and it will be 4am and I've just knitted for 3 hours. It will only feel like it's been 30 minutes and I'll be confused where all that time went. I am very impatient when talking to people. Especially people who talk about things I have absolutely no interest in. I constantly interrupt them and try to finish their sentences. Or someone will talk to me and I'll completely zone out. They'll be giving me directions, and I'll nod and agree. As soon as they're done, I'll have no idea at all what they've just told me to do. I start sooo many different things, and never finish any of it. I get so excited about the posibility in the beginning and be all gung ho to get it done this time. Then I get bored or get really excited about something else, and start that instead. I love creating things and making what I plan in my head come out. I just don't like to finish things. I have sooo many different hobbies that I'll try out and get reeeally into for awhile and then give up again. I've done rowing, knitting, sailing, caving, knitting, crocheting, knitting, geocaching, painting, marathon training, and back to knitting. Basically I like to explore and create. I'll buy all of the equipment(because I like to buy things), join all sorts of clubs and organizations that participate in that particular hobby. I'll get soo excited about my new hobby, and tell everyone how exciting and great it is, and then a month later I'll move onto something else. I'm sure I could go on and on explaining more things about me that aren't 'normal', but I'm tired of typing and I want ice cream. I may as well go eat some sugar now since I wont sleep anyways. I never do, I have too many thoughts in my head. I'll eventually cry myself to sleep when I think about all of the things I haven't succeeded at. Ok, time to go fix everything for 5 minutes with some chocolate ice cream. It always does the trick.

macsncheez

Hi, I'm crazy, and I usually like it.